Not so very long ago
our songs would intoxicate
even the most resistant sailors,
lure them to the deck rails
where we would seduce them with
our kelp-filled gazes,
our luscious metaphorical breasts,
persuade them to abandon all,
to leap into our outstretched arms
and endure forever the icy waters
for the thrill of our embrace.
But now the great ships pass us by
and hardly one sailor in a thousand
will stand at the rail to gaze,
and those who do take photographs
seeing only seal skin, whiskers and blubber,
and call our songs 'barks'.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Mermaid's Lament
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Does the last line work? Or should the last line replace the title?
ReplyDeleteI understand your hesitation. As the last line, it's sort of a rim-shot. You might even consider the poem without it altogether. It still works.
ReplyDeleteI replaced the title, in part to fulfill the requirements of the prompt. "Mermaids with fangs" is borrowed from a line from Scooter's very fine poem "Sonnet Inspired by the Oxygen Concentrator: Ocean Home."
ReplyDeletePerhaps to consider ending the poems at "call our songs 'barks'" and stick with the title as is. That brings your strongest image last:
ReplyDeletewill stand at the rail to gaze,
and those who do take photographs
seeing only seal skin, whiskers and blubber,
call our songs 'barks',
Yes, I think that's better. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know I felt this way until I read your poem. Now I know my voice as mermaid, can soothe in ways dogs bark when they're happy to see us. My best friend is mermaid. Your poem reminds me to talk with her and gaze at her and admire her always.
ReplyDelete